Marathon Day. It was completely upsetting, not being there to support him. I thought about going out to cheer him on in spite of everything that's happened, but then I feared it might do more harm than good for him to see me there. I didn't want to rattle him on the course by showing up unexpectedly. So I cried and did laundry all afternoon, and then I checked the marathon website and saw that he had finished, and then I really cried.

I called him to say how happy I am for him, because I know how monumentally important it was (is) to him. I knew that he would either finish the race, or die trying. And he finished, and I am, honestly, thrilled for him. He actually answered his phone when I called, which surprised me. He sounded good. He really did.

I feel awful. I hate this. I cannot ever do this again. If I can just remember today (and every other day I've cried because I cared too much for him, or any other man) and how much it hurts, I won't. G-d grant me a long and vivid memory.

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