Monstrous headache today, very tenacious and intense. Ouch. Ibuprofen liquid-filled capsules, do your thing already, damn you.

I miss J today. I am addicted to him.

Jane is so right about crying out of frustration. I do miss him, but more than anything I�m frustrated and disappointed--with the whole situation and, really, with myself. When I said, �I love you� and he replied, �Part of me loves you� . . . well, there you have it. I don�t know why I didn�t have the good sense to see where that would really lead.

He kept me around because he wants to be loved. I want to be loved too, but not just partly.

I�m not the sort of person who�s typically willing to give up what she has in the hope of getting something better. I�m strictly bird-in-the-hand, you know. I don�t expect to get more than what I have. I learned this from my grandmother, who took care of me for many years and who taught me that it is unbearably greedy and unbecoming to ask or angle for more than what one has already been given--more candy, more attention, more anything. She felt strongly that if the giver felt you deserved more, you would have been offered more in the first place, and you would only embarrass yourself by asking for more.

Yes. Well. In this case, I deserve it but the giver simply doesn�t have more to give--maybe just not right now, or maybe just not to me--and we're not talking about candy here. I wonder what Grandma would say about that. She had a way of surprising us sometimes.

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