So I feel like hell. Frustrated, disappointed, angry, lonely, sad, hopeless. I am cranky and can�t be pleased, and every request strikes me as a major imposition.

There�s no one compelling reason, either . . . I just do, just because of the way things (even really minor things) are going right now. Some girls at work decided to hold an impromptu potluck and I didn�t have time to get anything together, and I feel left out. Then they also decided to do something on a weeknight after work, which leaves me out again. Then we ordered lunch at the office and instead of asking me which salad dressing I wanted, the admin just ordered ranch dressing for me (because she likes it, so everyone must), and I hate ranch dressing. (See, I warned you--truly minor things.) I told my mom that I don�t want to spend my vacation piling in and out of cars for meals and activities and what-have-you, and instead I want a chance to relax and do nothing much, and she felt personally attacked. There�s further unpleasantness at work, I�m preoccupied with saving enough cash for tuition payments and a security deposit, the laundry is piling up, it�s cold and rainy all the time, and the men in my life are all acting like flaky dumbasses.

And, every night I dream about buying a house that seems wonderful but is really awful in some way. Last night it was the beautiful suburban duplex with ever so many bedrooms, but on closer examination I saw that all the �bedrooms� were really just little alcoves and the second floor looked like some kind of crazy dormitory.

Earlier this week, I admit, I had a jealous fit over Cat�s condo. It has three levels, and each level is larger than my whole apartment. The whole thing is probably 4,000 square feet. She has gorgeous views of the lake, and she�s having her kitchen remodeled right now. It�s beautiful, simply beautiful, and I want to live like that, and right now I am just petty and frustrated enough to get upset about it.

I feel like kicking people really, really hard. I feel like mocking and sneering. I feel like all my optimism and love has drained away and now I'm full of anger and hate.

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