Spoke to Gemini this morning--weird, stilted, impersonal conversation about what we each did over the weekend. Successfully resisted the urge to phone him back and say, �What are we doing? Am I part of your life or not? Because I don�t feel like I am. Does this feel at all weird to you? Because it feels almost unbearably weird to me. Why don�t you just carry on partying with your social club pals and �getting to know� lots of women, carry on staying out until all hours and going out for burritos at three a.m., carry on living with your parents and pretending to save for a condo while avoiding all actual responsibility. Enjoy it while you can, until you are eventually bitten in the ass by the realization that we could have had something very cool together.�

I know I wanted to say all that because I felt left out, unimportant, ignored. Because even though I liked the parents I met yesterday, I can never really be in their nice little �we�re happily married and we own cars and homes� club. Because at one end I have Gemini with his life of almost total self-involvement and nonstop fun, and at the other end I have the stable married couples who have each other and all the accoutrements of adulthood. I am somewhere in the middle by myself, inhabiting my little solo world and feeling like I�m not even in the general vicinity of either end. I feel like both ends are eyeing me and thinking, �Oh, you SO don�t fit in here.�

And that�s why I didn�t call him back. I didn�t want to unleash a torrent of questions and declarations that are nothing but reflections of my insecurities, because what good could possibly come of that? So I put down the phone, closed my eyes, took a few deep breaths, and reminded myself of what I�ve resolved to do: stop worrying about what he�s doing and thinking, stop pushing things along, and turn my attention back to taking care of myself and figuring out what I want. And pretty soon I calmed down and didn't want to call him any more, and that felt really, really good.

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