We did it, we went to the swim party!

I guess that doesn't sound like much of an accomplishment, but believe me when I tell you that it really is. At 3:00 pm I was in tears, sitting on the edge of the tub, not knowing how I would manage it. I was thinking about you-know-who, and J had rolled around in bed talking to himself for an hour instead of napping, and I didn't think I would know anyone at the party, and I really really really did not think I was capable of getting us to a building two blocks away under those circumstances.

Yeah, I know I sound like a loser. What can I say, it was a crisis of confidence. But I handled it. We packed up J's swimsuit, water vest, pool shoes, and towel, and off we went. There were special Tu B'Shvat craft projects for the kids--J planted parsley seeds in a tiny terracotta pot and made a birdfeeder with an apple and some yarn--and then some songs and a story, and then swimming. J was super-tentative at first and clung to the side, but before long he was paddling around with a big foam noodle and having a great time. After swimming there was dinner, and a chance for the kids to play in a big playroom. Everyone was really nice to us and I'm glad we went. I really hope we can get enough financial aid for J to attend this school. I need to belong somewhere as much as he does.

That's what all this crying is about, I think. Without someone who loves me and misses me and runs to pick up the phone when I call, I feel as though I don't belong anywhere. I feel like I'm just passing through for the moment.

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