A soy misto? Why were the Starbucks kids convinced that I wanted a soy misto this morning? You should have seen the way they tried to push that soy misto on me. Ew.

I went to bed at about 10:30 last night, and I feel great. It�s so much easier to keep it together after a full night�s sleep. J and I have a big weekend planned: grocery shopping, �Catch That Kid,� and the day school is having a swim party. I�m very excited about getting involved with the day school; they organize a lot of activities, some for families and some just for parents.

I�m trying not to let myself feel empty. I�m trying to remember that I�m not just waiting around for him�that this is also MY time to work things out for myself, and I mustn�t waste it on thinking about him. Most of the time I do pretty well, but sometimes I slip and start feeling nauseous and weepy. For instance, if I start thinking about how we haven�t spoken since Tuesday, my mind starts doing this: YEAH, I see exactly how much he CARES. He can�t scrape together ten minutes to call me? He can e-mail me TL�s resume, but won�t call me? He doesn�t WANT to talk to me, that�s why. He�d much rather be flirting with a roomful of younger, thinner women who can just have fun all the TIME. He�d much rather be on a date with almost ANYONE else. And he probably is, right now, or will be this weekend, when I�m sitting around a swimming pool with a bunch of married couples. He might even be kissing someone else, and enjoying it waaaaay more than kissing me. And then I start feeling like stepping in front of a fast-moving SUV, because it seems like the quickest surefire way to get my mind to stop hurting me.

Now here�s my horoscope for today:

�There are battles to be fought this weekend. None of these though, involve other people. They are inner struggles. Private wrestling matches. Deeply personal conflicts between conscience and desire or between fear and inspiration. It is all too easy to be overwhelmed by a negative impulse. If you suspect that the worst may be about to happen, do not let go for an instant, of your belief in the best. As soon as you overcome the enemy within, that seeks to undermine your sense of self-worth, you will conquer every other obstacle.�

No joke.

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