J�s teacher says she is having a problem with him. Every day he works on addition, using colored beads. And every day he �questions� her about why he has to do the same work every day, and her response to him is, �Don�t question me!� At least this is what I have managed to splice together from hearing both sides of the situation. If that�s really what�s happening, I have to say that I don�t think �Don�t question me!� is a satisfactory response. If J has questions, I think he�s entitled to ask them and receive explanations. What am I supposed to do, instruct him to stop questioning? I won�t do that. I want him to have more gumption than his mother.

Today Gemini e-mailed me a resume with a request to pass it along to the proper contacts in my company. The resume is Gemini�s friend�s�the friend with the DUI problem, the friend he�s been helping out in such a big way for the last month. I know she�s in a difficult position right now, with no job and no driver�s license. I barely know her, though, and I know nothing about her professional skills. What am I supposed to say to people about her? �Well, this guy I�m sort of dating certainly seems rather fond of her�?

Last night I attempted to meditate. I decided that I really need to do something along these lines in order to keep my head functioning properly. I turned off the lights, lit a candle, and gazed at the flame. J got out of bed, came into the living room, and demanded to know why I was sitting in the dark staring at a candle. I got him back into bed and sat with him for a few minutes, then returned to my candle. What happened then surprised me: I had the physical sensation of a vertical core--not my spine, more in the front of my body, exactly like the core of an apple, very strong but still flexible--starting at the base of my throat and extending all the way down, and I sort of pulled myself inward around it. The same thought kept forming in my mind: Here is your strength. Use it.

So that was worthwhile. And weird.

I feel uneasy. The thought of relying on my own strength scares me a lot. I don't doubt that I can do it, but I'm concerned about where it will lead. I'm afraid that if I get really good at relying on myself, my reward will be a lifetime of solitude.

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