On one side of my cubicle, there is the office of the man with the loudest voice I have ever heard. He talks--nay, yells--on his speakerphone all day long. On the other side of my cubicle, there is an accountant who likes country music and has just discovered that she can play CDs on her computer. I have a substantial headache and I don't think the situation will improve anytime soon.

Last night I talked with my therapist about my work situation. I told him that I feel like I�ve hit a dead end in every aspect of my life and that I�m just waiting for the next opportunity to present itself. I mentioned my hope that J�s father will get a good job in California or Washington, so that J and I could go along and I could start over.

My therapist wanted to know why I think I need to tag along with someone else. He asked why I couldn�t start digging around and find something I want, independent of everyone else�s plans? He reminded me that putting myself last has never, ever made me happy.

So I started to cry. I realized that, deep down, I am convinced that MY wanting something isn�t a good enough reason to upend everyone�s lives. I realized how frightened I am because I have no safety net�-I�m responsible for J and myself, with no back-up. There�s no second income, or trust fund, or fat retirement account, or well-to-do family. I can�t ditch my paying job to go back to school, or apprentice myself to a master tea-blender, or fund a cross-country move on my own.

I don�t want to focus on all the things I can�t do, and I must eventually stop kicking myself for not making smarter choices fifteen years ago. I just don�t know how to find something rewarding for myself within the framework of the things I can do. I don�t even know where to start. All I have right now is a handful of interests and the nagging feeling that there must be something for me. And, of course, the nagging suspicion that this is just too much to ask of life.

Sigh. Okay, anyway. Gemini came over last night. We ate dinner and watched �Q_ueer Eye.� He said �Honey? I love you� at least seven times. And I don�t mind admitting that it is extremely nice to have someone to snuggle with when the temperature is hovering around zero degrees Fahrenheit. Phenomenally nice, even.

I'm about to slip into a post-lunch, carb-induced coma. How pleasant.

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