I feel vaguely miserable today. I don't like holding back, keeping my defenses up, and looking at Gemini with a wary eye. In my heart I know that I can't let him sleep over any more, and I'm so sad about that.

He invited J and me to Christmas Eve at his cousin's home, and I don't think I can accept, and I'm especially sad about that. In my heart I want to give J that and I want to have it for myself--the family holiday gatherings, the sense of belonging, the feeling that we have some sort of context and we're not just teetering on the edge of the world. But I can't give him a taste of that and then have to take it away from him because my love life is unstable. That would be too unfair for words.

I don't want this. I want to feel warm and loved, not cold and uncertain. I want to feel like I'm not dangling out here alone. I just want one freakin' place in my life where I can relax and exhale, and I feel like life is telling me that's too much to ask.

Sometimes I think life is really mean.

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