Where did my weekend go? Ah, weekend, we hardly knew ye.

Friday I cooked dinner: salmon, baby carrots, and (natcherly) latkes. Yum, I did a great job. It really does pay to ask the knowledgeable man at the fish counter (1) what's good that day and (2) how to cook it. Gemini stayed over. It was fine, but everything feels different now. I don't feel as close to him, or as safe and secure.

Saturday he took me to a great breakfast place and then dropped me off at my gym. He was headed for the tuxedo shop (getting fitted for NYE) and then a late lunch with the guys. That night he was planning to go to a social club pub crawl. Before I got out of the car, I told him, "Listen, I've been thinking. You do what you need to do. I just don't want to know about it. And I'll do what I need to do. Okay?" He kissed me and I hopped out of the car.

I said that to him because I was starting to feel uneasy about my all-or-nothing stance. At the time I feared that he might begin to feel trapped and resentful; now I realize that I was starting to feel the teensiest bit trapped myself. Perhaps we should both have some breathing room for now, and at some point everything will become clear. Let him date other women, and maybe I'll date other men if I have the opportunity (which seems just so unlikely, because I can't remember the last time I met a new man). And if he's the right man for me, we'll figure out that we really only want each other. If not, we'll end it and move on.

My workout was great, partly because I walked in feeling very upset and weepy and decided that I was simply going to keep pushing myself until I felt better. And after THAT I had my hair done, which gave me a chance to dish with my fantastic hairdresser, so I walked out of the salon feeling eleventy billion times better.

Then I went shoe shopping (no luck) and browsed in a vintage-clothing shop, and came home to lie on the couch with a glass of wine and a new British decorating magazine. I also gabbed on the phone with my friend Lisa and soaked in a mandarin-orange-scented bath. Finally, I tucked myself into a neat little nest of pillows in my warm bed, read a bit longer, and hogged all the blankets. This is my idea of heaven, pure heaven.

Gemini called a couple of times during the evening, and I didn't pick up. That was what I needed to do: not pick up the phone, not go over the conversation with a fine-tooth comb, not try to figure out his frame of mind, not worry about how he's feeling every moment. It was a great relief.

This morning he called to ask me to see "R_eturn of the King" with him, and I really wanted to, so I did. He mentioned that he had tried to call me a couple of times. The pub crawl was boring, he said, and he was wishing he was with me instead. The movie was great, I was happy to be there holding hands with him, he was very sweet, and somehow it all still felt . . . different.

Almost every moment that I'm with him, I'm reminding myself to hold back and see what he does. He may go out with someone else, kiss someone else, fall in love with someone else. I might do any or all of those things myself. We'll see.

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