Monday night was so awful. The only bright spot was finding a really nice black dress for $38. After that I came home and talked to Gemini on the phone. Surprisingly, he was still morose and undecided, and I was increasingly frustrated and angry, and at one point I hung up on him. How mature! I do that sometimes when I�m very upset. And no, nothing was resolved. He did reiterate that he wants to spend New Year�s Eve with me, so there�s that.

So that was Monday night, and yesterday I woke up sooooo sick. Throwing up and everything! I spent the day sipping flat ginger ale and lying on the couch, alternately sleeping and wishing like anything that I could find just one interesting thing to watch on TV. J�s father phoned late in the afternoon to say that he was sensing �distress signals� from me all day. Indeed.

Gemini came over after work with soup (three kinds) and sandwiches. He also brought me a brownie for dessert (which my tummy asked me not to touch), and egg rolls for my lunch today (which also will not be touched by me, at least not today). I felt a billion times better after some soup, half a sandwich, some pain reliever, and the Q_ueer Eye holiday special.

We did not talk about his little quandary. I can�t stand to talk about it any more. I just wrote �his little quandary� because it occurs to me that it really is not my problem. After all, what has changed here? He�s the one who has stirred things up, not I. I�m going to be the same lovable girl I�ve always been, but I won�t be as available to him. I think there are many benefits to this approach: I can protect myself a bit emotionally by not being totally invested in this relationship, I can be open to other possibilities, and I can have more time to myself. In time, I think, we will both know whether we belong together.

And, if I may be so mercenary and shallow, this approach also means that I still have a date for a great New Year�s Eve bash. I know, I'm awful.

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