This weekend J got new shoes, new snow boots, and some storage baskets for his bedroom that he really seemed to enjoy filling up with his games and toys. We played the L_ego game that he loves, and I took him to see �B_rother Bear.� (The movie isn�t really worth seeing, but it�s always fun to take a young child to a movie and indulge in sodas and buttered popcorn.) We went grocery shopping and we caught up on our sleep, and I recovered from my cold.

I always feel like we should have done more�-I should have taken him to the park, played ball with him, read more books to him, painted pictures with him, worked on his shoe-tying skills, taught him to play the violin, or any number of other things. I feel like I should have given him more of myself. I feel that way after every weekend with him. As his mother I have this heartfelt desire to devote every waking moment to him and his entertainment. And as the person who is responsible for our home, I feel the need to clean the apartment and buy the groceries and plan the meals and do the laundry. And as the person who is responsible for his education, I feel the need to devote endless hours to researching elementary school options. But as a person in my own right, I want a chance to soak in the tub and read magazines, work on a crafty project, lie in bed with my coffee and a mystery novel, watch a movie and eat a piece of dark chocolate without sharing, have a conversation with another adult, or spend time with my boyfriend.

So J spent too much time watching cartoons and otherwise amusing himself while I washed the dishes, lay in bed listening to NPR for an hour, talked to Gemini on the phone a couple of times, culled through some old magazines, and did some strength-training and stretching during �T_rading Spaces.�

I�m really afraid that I�m not doing right by J, that I�m not a good mother and I don�t deserve him. I�m afraid that when he�s older he�ll remember only that I listened to the radio instead of reading to him, read magazines instead of taking him to the playground, and just generally ignored him in favor of living my own selfish life. I�m afraid it�s not okay for me to be the kind of mother I am.

I am kicking myself. I know this is partly hormonal�-it�s that horrid week before, when I always feel weepy and everything seems insurmountable. I think I�ll go to the gym now.

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