Ohhhhhh-kay, I got some new boots. Little black ones to wear with my jeans and khakis. Like, for example, to the G_uster concert. Just for example.

I also picked up a new perfume: L_ibertine. At about the same time I started seeing The Irishman, I started using S_hiseido Zen, and now that scent reminds me of him. Time for a new fragrance, I say. Start fresh. Now if I could only get all men everywhere to stop wearing the stuff that made him smell so good.

I think my cold is subsiding, thanks in large part to the neti pot. I�m telling you, that thing really works for me. I know it�s weird, but it washes out all the bad stuff. Last night when I used it I had terrible pain in the left side of my forehead, and I just know there was some bad stuff brewing up there. This morning I used it again and there was no more pain there, so whatever it was must be gone now. Except for the husky voice, no one would ever know I have a cold.

But here�s something good: I realized a few days ago that the breakup doesn�t sting so much now. There�s a little residual sadness and regret, but I don�t feel like crying or crumpling into a heap when I think of him now, and this makes me very happy. I�m sure my heart would thump like a big bass drum if I saw him or heard his voice, but I�m also sure I would be okay afterward.

My friend German has this theory that The Irishman came along to pull me out of emotional hibernation. She says she watched in amazement as I slowly unfolded over the last six months and began to care about myself again. The changes were dramatic: contact lenses, a little jewelry, higher heels, new haircuts, clothes that don�t hide my curves, the effort I�ve put into meeting new people and trying new things, a new willingness to branch out beyond my role as J�s mother. All of the outward changes helped open me up to this reminder that I�m still capable of feeling all those things I hadn�t felt in so long�like excitement, desire, affection, attachment, and so on. He reminded me of all the things I want, and some of the things I don�t want. In her view, this is just the beginning for me.

It�s a hopeful view.

{ prev & next }