Today is J�s birthday! My little boy is FIVE. I gave birth to a tiny little baby, not even eight pounds, and now he�s a great huge boy who already comes up to my ribcage. I used to carry him in the crook of my arm all the time, and now I can�t carry him farther than about three blocks. I used to wake up to a brown-eyed baby kicking and giggling next to me, and now I wake up to a sprawling boy tossing his arms and legs across me. I love him like I�ve never loved anyone, so much it takes my breath away.

For the first few years of J�s life, I thought I would never need or want anyone else. I thought I could just invest everything I have in being his mother, looking after his needs, and just generally adoring him. Goodness knows it was sort of pleasant to think that, because it meant that disappointments in other relationships didn�t hurt as much. I enjoyed that insulation from the rest of the world. Unfortunately, it was also a little delusional to think that. I still feel like a slightly disloyal and neglectful parent when I say this, even though I know it�s perfectly normal and healthy: J cannot be my entire life. I have a co-worker who, since the break-up, keeps telling me to focus on my child, focus on my child, focus on my child. I know her intentions are good, but she�s a single mother herself and should know that having a child at the center of my universe doesn�t magically erase all my other needs.

I don�t know what it means, but I can�t stop thinking about the awful nightmare I had last night. I woke up feeling just terrified. First, I was on a field trip with J�s class when I heard that the S_ears Tower had been destroyed, and J�s father had been working there but managed to get out safely. Then, I was in an apartment in a high-rise downtown (I think it was the building where I used to stay with The Irishman), with my parents, my sister and brother-in-law, my niece and nephew, and J. We were looking out the window and suddenly the buildings around us began to collapse, one after the other. I watched an adjacent building fall right over into the lake, and I saw bodies rising to the water�s surface. No one else wanted to leave, but I finally talked them into getting out. Then we were in a car, driving north on L_ake S_hore Drive, and all the high-rises along the Drive were collapsing. And then, inexplicably, we hit a dead end. We stood there trying to decide what to do, surrounded by the roar of collapsing buildings. And then I woke up. I�m still shaken by the recollection, and it was just a dream.

Well, I don�t know what to make of that. It�s just so dramatic and terrifying. Yes, this particular moment feels like a dead end. Yes, I feel that I led myself to this dead end. Yes, I feel that a section of my life has toppled and lies in ruins. Yes, I feel vulnerable and helpless and frightened. And yes, the one man who will always be around is the man who annoys and hurts me like no other. I�m just not sure why my mind needed to turn these things into a nightmare with such an apocalyptic feel.

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