Terrible motivation problems today. It�s not a matter of not caring about anything, it�s a matter of actually disliking everything. I just want to go far, far away and forget who I am.

My chronic travel obsession is flaring up again. It always does when I don�t want to face my life. I don�t want to deal with my workplace or my personal life or my body or my apartment or the city. I would like to pack my bag, board a plane, and find myself in a wonderful foreign place that will absorb all my attention and fill up my brain with unfamiliar sights and sounds and smells. I would like to eat delicious new foods, walk all day and see new sights at every turn, then take a long hot bath and collapse into a deep sleep every night. I need to join one of those week-long walking trips in Italy or Spain.

Phone call from J�s father yesterday: He was planning to move in with a roommate to save money because of his pending unemployment. The roommate would be a friend of his, an Israeli woman he�s known for several years, and it was a great idea because they were nothing more than friends. Can you guess what happened next? I think you can! That�s right, he�s sleeping with her now! (�But we�re not involved,� he says.) Anyway, the reason for his call was that he can�t move in with her now, because she made trouble for him while he was on the phone with his former live-in girlfriend making arrangements to return the former girlfriend�s belongings. �I feel like everybody stabs me in the back,� he said. Hmmmm . . . really.

Social club card & game night tonight. One good thing about these events is that introducing yourself to everyone is de rigeur, so you do meet a whole lot of people. Actually, if I had more free time I would probably stay in the club; it�s just too hard to find appealing events that also happen to occur when I�m able to attend, and $65/month is too much to pay under those circumstances. Or is it? I�m waffling now, wondering if canceling is the right thing to do, because I haven�t thought of a way to fill in the blank spaces in my calendar with activities that will help me meet people.

I�m trying to find out about this �Train_ing Wheels� program that�s being offered at the JCC for parents with small kids, but the guy isn�t calling me back. It sounds like just what we need�you go once a month or something, working your way through the calendar of Jewish holidays and learning about various practices with your child. I always feel miserably awkward and out of place with the JCC crowd, but I think I we need this. I need the guy to call me back NOW, TODAY, so I don�t chicken out.

I�m frustrated, and frightened, and lonely, and starting to feel a mild panic stirring in my chest. I don�t have enough patience in the right places. I want the next good thing to be happening already. I�m trying to keep in mind something Win_ston Churchill said: �It is a mistake to look too far ahead. Only one link in the chain of destiny may be handled at a time.� When I read that, I can practically feel the smooth metal of the link in my hands�so large and so heavy that I need two hands to hold it. In my mind I see myself holding it, turning it over and over in my hands, and puzzling over exactly what to do with it.

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