After J went to bed Wednesday night I drank most of a bottle of shiraz while a friend stayed on the phone with me for two hours trying to convince me not to phone The Irishman. (And no, I did not phone him. It took every trace of willpower I have.) After I hung up the phone I sat on the couch for a long time, crying and confessing my wants and fears out loud.

I want the phone to ring, and I want it to be The Irishman calling to say he realizes he made a terrible mistake and treated me unfairly and wants me to take him back. Alternatively, I want to run into him on the street, at which point he will realize he has been dying to see me, and will wrap his arms around me and kiss me for a long, long time, and say, "Nance, I miss you."

I want to stop wanting him back.

I wanted (and still do want) him to be the right man for me, because the thought of doing this again (and again, and again) makes me feel like I would rather die.

I�m afraid I will never find another man with all the qualities that I liked in The Irishman: the dry humor, the genuine hearty laugh, the keen interest in domestic politics and foreign affairs, the athletic build, the open affection, the down-to-earth honesty, and the sexy bedroom talk. I�m afraid I will only meet men who have maybe a couple of these qualities, and I�m afraid I�ll never have fantastic sex again.

I�m afraid to go out there again and let everyone know I�m available, because I don�t want to be the pathetic single woman who tries and tries to meet someone and never does. I�m afraid people will shake their heads and say, �How humiliating for her.�

I�m afraid I will be alone forever, and everyone will genuinely expect me to be perfectly okay with that. I�m afraid I will start telling people to f*** off when they say things like, �But you�re not alone! You have J, you have your family, you have friends� and �Why don�t you just go on vacation with a friend?� F*** that! I�ve been a real sport about traveling alone for the last ten years, all over the U.S. and Europe, and now I want to share my adventures and my hotel room with a lovable, sexy man who wants me.

I�m afraid no one understands that even though I�m truly grateful for the many good things in my life, I still want some male companionship. I just WANT that, and I don�t see what�s wrong with wanting that.

I'm afraid I don't have faith. I'm afraid that there's no reason to believe that G-d will send me someone better.

I�m afraid I�m starting to feel really angry and resentful now.

{ prev & next }