Yeah, it's just all over now. I knew last night when he picked me up. I could see that he was in what I call his prickly-distancing mode. In that mode he never says anything directly; every word out of his mouth is dripping with sarcasm and seems designed to provoke or mock. Before we had driven two blocks, I thought, "I have been ignoring my intution. This is not going to work out for us." I decided to stay very passive and see what he would do. He didn't kiss me once. He teased me, mocked me, and seemed intent on picking fights. He stayed in that mode all evening and then woke up in it this morning.

At breakfast he continued to prickle and mock, and my stomach began to tighten into a ropy, twisted mass. I drank too much coffee and felt like throwing up.

When we got back from breakfast he said, "Nance, let's talk." So we sat down on the couch and he said he wasn't sure where this relationship was going to go, or whether either of us knew what we want, and he thought we should call it a day, and he asked what I thought. I said I only know that I want to share my life with someone who wants to be with me, and last night I saw that he doesn't really want to be with me. I said I need to feel that I'm important to the man I'm seeing, and I need to feel like that's not too much to ask. He just nodded. He said, "I don't know, maybe I'm just a bachelor for life."

We really didn't say much more than that. He said he would always look back and think how much fun we had, and I found myself unable to speak so we just kissed goodbye and then he left.

One of my friends came right over when I called, and I had a good cry and a cup of tea, and then J's father was kind enough to bring J home early. I slept a tiny bit when J started his nap. I'm coming down from the caffeine now, and my stomach has begun to untie itself.

It's not like I just saw my future go down the drain. I'm very glad he was honest enough to speak up now, glad that my feelings weren't baseless, and glad that I didn't begin to hope in earnest for things I would never have. There were little ways in which it just didn't feel right, but we did have fun. I'm going to miss him, quite a lot.

Please indulge me, though, as I pause to recall the qualities that I didn't enjoy so much. The sixty-hour work weeks left very little room for me. The mocking sarcasm was hard to take, and his table manners weren't so hot. He could be brusque and often forgot to say "please." Then, there was the matter of the mayonnaise-as-universal-condiment, and his undisguised scorn for my ancient, decrepit cat.

I know that if I focus on taking care of J and myself, time will pass on it's own and I'll feel okay. I know from experience that the feelings I'm having now--the sharp sadness and disappointment--will gradually slip away and I'll see much more clearly what's to be learned from all of this. That part of me is fine and rational. What is really not fine is the part of me that would have to decide to go on and do this again, G-d alone knows how many more times, until it's finally right or I just give up.

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