The Monday morning crew is all over me to have The Talk with The Irishman. The logic here is that The Past Relationships Discussion and the first Apology for Poor Behavior are behind us, so now we�re ready to establish whether we are or are not in an exclusive relationship.

I think if I started that conversation now, though, I wouldn�t be starting it for the right reason. I would be starting it because I�m afraid, and because I feel insecure and want reassurance that I�m important to him. I think it stands to reason that I want a little reassurance; Saturday night was rough on me all the way around. First, J had been reminding me all day long (and with increasing frequency) that he did NOT want to stay with a sitter, did NOT want me to go out, did NOT want anyone but me. Second, he cried when I left. Third, my date fell asleep and cut the evening short. Fourth, I had to confront the harsh reality of previous girlfriends (GASP! He had a life before he knew me!!).

So, yeah, I want the reassurance but I�m sure as hell not going to attempt to drag it out of him. Instead, I�m going to remind myself to keep in mind all the little clues that point to his liking me a lot. I�m going to relax, and breathe, and enjoy. There are so many things to enjoy about him, and about us together. When I consider those things, I can feel the neediness subsiding.

The fear is far more stubborn. No matter what I do or think or hear, I still feel its heavy metallic chill in my stomach. I feel it even as he�s kissing the back of my hand in the theater, or asking me where I�d like to go for my birthday, or telling me he wants to hear about my difficult day. It makes me want to sprint out of his reach at the oddest moments. It makes me want to sit in the living room and read a story about cats in The New Yorker instead of curling up next to him and falling asleep.

I had lunch today with a woman who works in my office. She started sometime in the spring, and she�s the best thing that could have happened to this group. She�s professional, insightful, wickedly funny, and totally cool. She watched me push my mongolian beef around on my plate as I said, �I�ve never felt fear like this before.� Her reply was, �Yeah, I think you two might be falling in love.� I couldn�t think of anything to say, so I just sat there turning magenta and twirling my chopsticks.

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