I�m warning you upfront that this entry contains frank sexual talk. Just so you know.

I�m feeling weird about The Irishman. He was clearly glad to see me last night; I got a big kiss and a �Long time no see!!!!� when he picked me up. We walked along the lakefront for an hour, and he was all about the hand-holding and kissing. At one point we stopped to kiss for a minute and I blurted out, �Oh, I missed you! Did you miss me?� On one hand, I�m glad I blurted because I don�t want to play that game that involves keeping your true feelings under wraps; on the other hand, I�m afraid I blurted because I�m an idiot and I can�t leave well enough alone. At any rate, he didn�t want to answer my question. He kept trying to kiss me as I leaned backward to keep my lips out of range and said, �What? Excuse me? What�s that you say? Hmmm? You�re saying you missed me?� I did this in a very teasing, I�m-having-fun-with-you way. Finally he said, �Of course I missed you, Nance,� but I couldn�t tell whether he meant it or was mocking me.

We talked about my upcoming birthday. First he asked me when it is, and then he asked me, �Are we going out to dinner then, or what?� Nice. I suggested waiting for the weekend, he said okay, and that was all. If he asks me where I want to go, I�m going to say something like, �Just plan something nice for us.� I don�t want to plan my own birthday celebration, and I don�t care how many of his sisters he has to ask for advice.

Then there�s the small matter of my feeling terribly inadequate in the sack. He talks a lot in bed, which I find terribly sexy. Sometimes the sexy talk turns into gentle teasing (�C�mon, I�m doing all the hard work here�) which is fine when I�m feeling fine. But last night I wasn�t feeling fine; I was feeling insecure. I was also feeling bloated and hideous. And I don�t know how say this delicately, but the fact is that it takes a lot to get him there. (I mean, seriously. A LOT. It�s a joint effort, if I may be so blunt. I�ve never encountered this particular situation before and I don�t know what it�s all about, but I�m dying to talk to someone who can explain it. Is it a function of age? Sexual hang-ups? Too much time on a bicycle?) So I started to feel completely miserable, like, �I�m just not doing it for him.�

I was still feeling miserable when the alarm went off this morning, but he woke up feeling quite frisky. We stayed in bed too long and then he had to speed through his morning routine and rush off to work. He was his normal happy, affectionate self, though, and we made plans for Saturday night.

I don�t know what to think. I have a feeling that if I ask him, he�ll tell me there�s absolutely nothing wrong and he�s perfectly satisfied. Would that be the truth? I pressured him into saying that he missed me. Was that the truth?

Right now I�m feeling like I don�t want to hang around to hear the truth. I imagine it to be something along the lines of, �I don�t really care about you. At all. And you�re a lousy lover, by the way.�

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