It's raining and gray and sort of chilly out there. My mom is on her way back to Kansas, and I think J and I are going to settle in for a nap soon.

But first: I am so annoyed. I want to cry and tell everyone to shag off.

J was upset that I left him with my mother, for the two days that his preschool was closed and the two evenings that I went out. When the three of us were together, he was clingy and whiny.

My mother was upset that she and J aren't closer, and that they don't spend more time together. She cried off and on all day Saturday for that reason. She wants their relationship to be more like the one she has with my niece, who lives three blocks away from my parents and sees them every single day. She wanted to take J to a Thai restaurant for lunch on Friday, and he didn't want to go. Inexplicably, he told her that he was embarrassed to go there with her, because the people at the Thai restaurant don't know her. A weird thing to say, but I know he just didn't want to go without me. My mom got very pissed off about this and told me about it later that night. I wanted to say, "Okay, mom? He's FOUR. NO matter what he might say, you must keep in mind that he's FOUR." But my mom had already invested a lot of energy in getting very huffy about the incident, so she'll have to dwell on it for some time to come. That's how it works with her.

The last few times I've seen J's father, he has looked at me with the most awful pain in his eyes--the way you look at someone who has just broken your heart and ruined your life. Of course he's entitled to his pain; he's been forced out of denial. I just hate this new stage of our relationship, where the conversations are as brief as possible and his responses are just . . . icy. There's no smiling, there are no pleasantries. The Kansas girl in me is very uncomfortable with that and wants to feel like she's done something wrong.

Now to be REALLY petty, if I may: On one date with The Irishman, he was called away to work and I sat in a bar alone for an hour (after sitting in a restaurant watching TV while I ate, as he made and received ten phone calls). Okay, that's fine because it was a true emergency. On the second, the weather spoiled our plans and then his back began to torment him. On both dates, as with almost every other time I've seen him, he was clearly tired and yawning within the first hour. It's no wonder he's exhausted all the time; he's up before 6:00 a.m. and in the office by 6:45 most days, and generally puts in 11 or 12 hours a day. Even after he leaves work, his mobile continues to ring. He also tries to bike at least 25 km most days; he enjoys it, and it's good stress relief.

I'm flattered that a person with such a taxing job wants to spend evenings with me instead of biking or sleeping or going to social club events. And I know I shouldn't take it personally when he's yawning and rubbing his eyes at dinner, or looking like he might nod off during the movie. But I can't help feeling less than compelling when I'm hoping for a little romance but my date looks like he just wants to take a nap.

I don't know what my point is, exactly. I guess I'm just feeling like I've inadvertently let everyone down. And I'm not sufficient.

But I still don't feel like eating ice cream, which means that today's dull empty feeling just stays until I do something to fix it for real.

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