I am supposed to be on my way to an event right now. I showered and got dressed (got dressed five different times, in fact) and even put on some mascara. Then I was tidying up in the bedroom and caught a glimpse of myself in the full-length mirror, and that's when I decided not to go. I looked at the puffy face, the doughy arms, the thick waist, and the trying-too-hard flippy hair and saw that there's no point in going out there. Going out there is for the attractive and the trim. Just read the Chic@go Reader personals, where you'll see that nine out ten "Men Seeking Women" specify some variation on attractive along with slender/trim/thin/slim. Or maybe athletic/fit. (The one who doesn't is the one looking for a woman in the 45-55 age range, with no dependents.)

For pretty much the same reason, I decided not to be on Fri&ndster. I looked at profiles, felt distinctly unattractive and uncool, and cancelled my membership. Going out there is for the cool and the interesting.

I thought I was feeling better there for a while, thought I was becoming the tiniest bit convinced that I had something to offer, thought I could get out there and interact, thought I could start thinking about a future that's not so solitary. But I can't.

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