What on earth is my problem? Yesterday after work I went to the gym and then came home, ate dinner, and then promptly freaked out. "Freaked out" in this case meaning "sat around depressed and sobbing."

I'm just lonely. It looks pathetic when I write it. I don't notice it all the time, just every other weekend and maybe a couple of times in between. Like when J fell the other night, I thought, "Golly, wouldn't it be swell to have someone around to be nice to us tonight? A shoulder to lean on?" Or when we were shopping for area rugs, I thought, "I'd like to get someone else's opinion here. J just keeps flopping on the piles of rugs and is absolutely no help." Or sometimes I just feel like I'd like to share something nice.

Also, it feels pathetic and stupid that I can't just FIX this problem. I swear I'm a very capable person, but when it comes to my personal life I feel like I'm in a straitjacket. Okay, I joined that social club and I've been to a few events, and I'll keep going to events. Given all my other obligations, and with no family or friends here now, I don't know what else I can do.

On the other hand, I don't know how I can go on like this. In my plastic box, trying to look casual, like I planned it this way, like I'm too busy to care. That's what I do everywhere but here. At work and when I'm talking to my family my story is, "Oh, my weekend was fine, great weather, I got a lot done, how was yours?" Inevitably, the other person has something interesting to report and I'm off the hook. I'm getting really good at pretending and dodging the issue.

Maybe this is just a rough patch and I'll eventually stop noticing the loneliness. Maybe I'll go back to loving the solitude. I did love it for quite a while. I hope I'll feel that way again. Think positive, everyone.

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