J�s father: what shall we do with him?

Right now he has a friend from Israel (let�s call her �R�) staying with him. He met her when he was in Israel last fall, and when he came back he told me he had met someone he really liked. He said he would probably marry her, and that she was coming to stay with him for an extended visit. So she arrived a while ago, and practically since the day she arrived he�s been telling me that he doesn�t think it�s going to work out. Okay, I don�t really care, whatever. (But, I notice that she�s still here.)

Just before his mother died, he told me that he has met someone new (let�s call her �T�), and that she is perfect for him, and that he plans to marry her. He has met her father and they got along well. Well, this is beginning to sound familiar.

While he was in Israel, J and I had dinner with R a couple of times. I got the distinct impression that she knows nothing about the new woman, T. My impression is correct; I asked J�s father about it and he admitted that he hasn�t told R about T. Even though he was �planning� to marry T. But this morning he told me that, �more likely� he won�t marry T. And he also mentioned that he hopes R isn�t pregnant, as he suspects she might be.

What the . . . ?

There followed a number of emphatic questions and statements on my part. For instance, �Let me get this straight. You�re living with one woman, having sex with her, and picking up another one in your spare time. What are you thinking? Where is your head? What is wrong with you?� And, �I don�t want to hear any more about the women in your life until one of them has a ring on her finger and the wedding date has been set.� And, �I do not want to know the details of your personal life. I do not want J to know the details of your personal life. You keep all of this out of my house and away from us.� And, �Don�t you understand that when you create this kind of drama in your life, we all suffer as a result of your choices?� And then, �I cannot possibly sit at the seder table with you.�

Perhaps it�s unnecessary to add that he doesn�t understand anything I said to him. He simply does not see what the problem is.

Now, if you can believe it, there is an upside. The upside is that I finally understand that I�m not crazy. I didn�t just imagine or even exaggerate all the ways he hurt me. I didn�t have piddly little no-account reasons for ending that relationship. He really is incapable of truly seeing himself, or seeing how his actions and words affect other people. He really isn�t honest with himself or with anyone else. He may not even understand what it means to love someone. IT. WASN�T. ALL. MY. FAULT.

I feel as though I�ve been struck by lightning. I�m a little breathless, a little stunned, and a little spooked. But everything looks clearer to me now, and I�m somehow brimming with the understanding that I can pick up and carry on with my life, with all those years behind me.

So hah.

{ prev & next }