Yeah, I never write any more. I�ve been busy at work and in a terrible emotional slump, stressed out and lonely and afraid and what-not. I took three vacation days and went to Seattle, and I came back understanding that I have to change something, or some things.

I have a job, I have a beautiful healthy son, I have everything I need in the way of food and shelter (and then some), I have my health, and I�m grateful for all of it, I promise. I shouldn�t even think of wanting or needing more than this. I can�t even identify what I�m wanting or needing . . . I just have this vague sense of something missing, something wrong, something totally out of whack. I mean, I just came back from my little vacation about three days ago and already I�m kind of a wreck again. But I don�t know if it�s something missing from my life, or if it�s just that the world is a wreck.

I am so worried about the war in Iraq . . . what�s happening on the ground to real live people, and what the long-term ramifications will be for the region and the rest of the world. I don�t want to talk to anyone about my opinion, or hear what anyone else�s opinion is; I just want facts. I am worn out by opinion, just totally overloaded. I just want to know what is happening and what it might mean. Yammer away all you like, people on the radio, as long as you�re imparting real information. It does not help me to know that so-and-so is against the war and such-and-such is in favor of the war. Really. I promise I have been paying attention and I know the arguments.

Or how about if someone just tells us what is going to happen?? Peace and democracy in the Middle East? The end of the world? The same mixed-up muddle we�ve always had to one degree or another?

Will I be killed by a terrorist, perhaps on the bus one morning?

Will I just continue on my little treadmill here indefinitely, caring for my son and cleaning my apartment and pushing papers in my cubicle?

Will I move to the Pacific Northwest and find contentment between the mountains and the ocean?

Will I find a good kosher cheese?

Will I ever, ever have sex again?

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