Well, I just can't stop thinking. There is so much happening, out there and in here.

The Columbia is on my mind a lot. I just want to howl at the thought of it up there, breaking up into pieces. And the crew, falling to earth, it's just unbearable. When I heard what had happened, I would not believe that they were dead. I continued to say they were not dead until I heard that remains had been located. Then I continued to say that Ilan Ramon was not dead until I heard that his remains had been found. Now I have no choice but to admit that he's dead but I continue to feel like I just can't stand it. Whenever I think about it my throat begins to close up and I feel like throwing punches. And then I feel ashamed because just who am I to be so upset anyway? Who am I? Nobody! I have no right to be so dramatically, indulgently upset.

Same thing with September 11. So upset, crying and carrying on, with no real right to do so.

Same thing with suicide bombings in Israel. Anguished and practically rabid with anger, again with absolutely no right.

Last week I mentioned that I was feeling really guilty about bringing my son into this world where people are so hateful to each other, and fearful that something horrible could happen to him. "Well," said my friend at work, "Horrible things have been happening to people since the beginning of time."

Turns out I'm not even entitled to feel upset even where my own child is concerned.

I think I know why she says things like that. The unpleasantness of this world concerns her very little because she's "saved." Jesus is coming back, maybe even in her lifetime, and what a glorious day that will be. Well, it's either that or the fact that she has a new boyfriend. Hard to say.

I guess if I had a new boyfriend I could forget all about those pesky extremists and suchlike, and maybe even be permitted feel however I happen to feel.

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